Light Skin, Bright Skin: Part 2... Sorta

"Immigrant parents had me feeling like a stepkid/Black Americans never did accept me" - Wale

"Shades" is currently one my favorite songs. I remember the first time I heard it after vibin and nodded my head to the dopeness of the beat, lyrics and Chrisette's beautiful vocals... I half wanted to karate chop Wale in the throat for reading my "Light Skin, Bright Skin" and flippin the concept without giving me my props. It's so rare that I can feel a song as deeply as I do this one. Not just on the skin color tip either.

For those that are just tuning in & haven't read any other of my previous postings, 1.) Shame on you. Go read them. and 2.) I'm obviously mixed. My mother is Mexican. Cali born and raised, and non Spanish speaking. My father is Haitian and Dominican, born and raised in Port au Prince, Haiti, English, Spanish & French speaking. My parents divorced before I was even aware they were together. I was raised primarily by my dad and stepmom. My dad remarried my stepmama when I was about 4. Stepmom is straight Nicoya, meaning she's from Nicaragua. I don't remember her speaking anything but Spanish for the first year or two she was married to my dad. So picture it... Early 90s... here you have this super light, slightly napped headed (cuz Lawd knows my stepmom didn't know what the fuck to do with my mixed textured hair... hell at 23 I barely know what to do with it), Spanglish speaking, biracial little girl.

I was privileged enough to go to private schools for a majority of my childhood. This particular one I'm gonna speak on was nestled in near the Oakland hills, nice area. Their curriculum was challenging and far ahead of anything my cousins who went to public schools were doing. And more than that, it extended beyond the books. There was a heavy focus on nonviolence and tolerance of other cultures and races. They kept us up on current affairs, they didn't sugarcoat much. Black History Month, Hispanic Heritage Month and St. Patrick's Day were celebrated equally. In 1994 (age 8), I not only knew what apartheid was, I could spell it, tell you why it was an issue and Nelson Mandela's role in demolishing it. I knew who Cesar Chavez was and what the farmer works movement was. I did book reports on Sammy Davis, Jr. I sat next to and hugged Jane Goodall. I got the chance to TALK to Mother Teresa and have her pray for me. I mean I only said "Hi, How are you?" but still. I've kissed both Jerry Rice and Jason Kidd on the cheek. By the age of 9 I'd experienced things most folks NEVER will. And more importantly "WHAT" I was didn't matter as much as WHO I was. I wasn't put into a box.

That all changed my first year in public school. I was bout 10 or 11 and given a rude awakening. My school was still in Oakland, predominately Black American sprinkled with a few S. Pacific islanders, Mexicans, White kids, and "standard" (Black & White) mixed kids. I didn't get beat up or nothing like that, not physically. I just really remember feeling so fucking out of place cuz for the first time ever I really realized I was different. I wasn't mixed like the other mixed girls. My hair wasn't "mixed" looking the way theirs was. I was brighter than most of them. When they talked bout what they ate for dinner there was no mention of goat or lengua, maduro/bannann, djon djon or arroz y frijoles. Breakfast for them was Apple Jacks or a Twinkie.
**Side note: I STILL don't know what the fuck Apple Jacks taste like and I didn't know what the hell a Twinkie tasted like til I was 19 when my ex had me try one cuz he couldn't get over the fact that I didn't have them growing up** I ate stuff like Mangu, AK100 or eggs and rice and drank papaya or guava juice for breakfast. And in my naive lil mind and logic, if they were all on the same page, I had to be the weird one cuz I wasn't. I had immigrant parents who immersed me so far into my cultures and had come from a school that was so culturally accepting and open, that being on the opposite end was quite the mind fuck to say the least.

I fought with my stepmom, who by now had learned how to manage my hair, to get her to stop braiding it. I figured out how to straighten it on my own so I could look more like the Black Americans and "Standard" mixed girls I hung with. I threw away the maduro, queso cotija, arroz y pollo that was made for my lunch, saved my allowance so I could buy school food and eat what they were eating. I stopped speaking Spanish at home, answered only in English and only spoke Spanish when I had to. I just wanted to be "normal". I wanted to be accepted. Now as an adult I would call this an identity crisis. My issues with my race, or rather the lack of being able to have my own box to mark, were damaging for quite some time. I really struggled with what I was more than who I was. Some Black girls and some Latina girls fucked with me and were cool, but most didn't and weren't. To the Latinas I was the Black girl trying to be one of them cuz I could speak Spanish. To the Black girls I was the halfbreed trying to be like one of them. Don't get me wrong... I wasn't a loner. Far from it. But on the inside this is the bullshit that I struggled with. Throw my transition into puberty into the mix and you can understand why I was (am lol) so off center.

So when I talk bout the whole Light skin Dark skin and In Between skin... it's not just bout color for me. It's everything and anything that goes into what made that skin. I won't say it's a touchy subject for me, cuz I'll gladly discuss it with you any day, any time... but I can't even lie thinking about some of the stuff I use to do to "fit in" and be "normal", and even just writing it now, brings tears to my eyes. I was raised within my home & family life to be proud of who I am, where my family comes from, to embrace my cultures. As an adult it sickens me to think that I ever tried to hide the beauty of the cultures that is ME. I'm appalled that something as simple as a switch in schools, in the same city mind you, made me want to not be who I am... beyond the way I dressed or any of that, but to change the physical makeup of who I am... all because I didn't have single box to check or know how to explain my cultural background so other people wouldn't have that o_O look and ask "Sooo um WHAT are you though?" As an adult I can also just chock it up to just being naive... but Fuck.Shit.Damn that's some scary shit.

I mean whatever you call it Light Skin, Bright Skin, Yellow Skin, Mexican Skin, Island Skin, Halfbreed Skin, and Anything else in between Skin... it's MY skin. And it fits me quite well.

"Shade doesn't matter, Heart makes the lover."