Late Fall and the beginning of Winter have a strangely consistent way of bringing out a plethora of my emotions. Possibly because this time of year is a constant reminder that my life is progressing forward faster than I ever could have imagined since my birthday is approaching. Or possibly being single & laying in a cold bed night after night does it. Wait lemme stop... I'm sounding depressed & emo... that's not what I'm getting at.
Okay... it's more like I'm realizing that half the shit I thought I knew is crap. And that kinda leaves a fourth of the shit I do know half assed & incomplete cuz it was either backed or linked to that half of the stuff that is now crap. So I'm left with only a fourth of what I've accumulated over the last almost 23 years to be solid & credible. That ain't shit when it's broken down like that. I mean it could be worse but I'm greedy & occasionally arrogant.
Admitting to myself that I don't know shit, or far less than I thought I did, is more difficult than having to admit it to someone else. Fuck everyone else. Cuz like I said before I'm in this bed ALONE night after night. In a nutshell I've realized I can't run from myself. As many times as I've tried over the years, fooling myself into believing that I'm not, it's hit me that I'm not fooling anyone but my damn self. Sounds kinda obvious & "Duh bitch of course you can't run from you". Well maybe it's my Sag hard headed stubborn nature to overlook shit until I'm ready to see it or til I can't overlook it anymore. But I see it. I realize it. And more importantly, I think anyways, I OWN it.
I'm a control freak. Quite frankly I'm proud of myself, being a said control freak, that I can admit I don't know what, where, or which direction I'm trying to head in. For the first time in a long time I don't know how to get what I want cuz I don't really know what that ultimate WANT is. I'm great with directions & maps, all that. But only when I know where my destination is. And at this moment I don't know where or what that is.
Only thing I know for certain is that I want More. More of what? Guess that will be my next realization.
November 9, 2009
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Yup.. totally feel you there. thats how i went into my 26th year, accept alot more emo. But now that you know it, time to use it and grow and become an even better version of you!!
ReplyDeleteWhat is it about Saggis and hardheadedness? i wish i knew how to get over that