Light Bright, Damn near White
The complexity of my "bright" complexion
Has always been rather vexing
And the topic of a discussion that I've had more than once
Is it really my fault that this mixed melanin ended up being one of the lighter shades on the Black skin spectrum?
Does that make me "less Black" than the sistas closer to the Midnight hue?
Wait! Wait it's that I couldn't possibly understand the struggle the way the ebony folks do.
Billie Holiday psssh What could she really know bout Strange Fruit
Cuz let's not forget... she was light skin too
"Darker the Berry, Sweeter the juice" is what Pac said
And India Arie was in love with his Brown skin, not his yellow skin
So where in the hell does that leave me?
Besides not having my own song
Being light skin is low key frowned on in the Black community
It's the unnecessary necessary evil
And contrary to what most have heard
This light skin, bright skin ain't always in
At least not til a nigga gets concerned over his next of kin
Cuz recently I was told light skin is the solution for the Brother
Who wants caramel kids but not with a White mother
Words and taunts like "high yellow porch monkey girl" following me from my childhood
Words that left me feeling like
The bastard baby of the slave
Masta took a special liking to
The hatred experienced from my more antioxidant-rich chocolate peers
Left me feeling this urge to prove that I too could call myself Black
Becoming a slave to tan in a can and countless hours in the sun
Enduring painful sunburns and peeling
The words "Let's see if we can make Light Bright bruise" echoing in my mind
So the Summer sun became my best friend
And no matter how hot you'd never find me in the shade
Growing up to despise Winter
Knowing all my time spent getting darker was about to fade
And just when I thought I had shaken this complex issue as a whole
I'm reminded again at 18
In a club and dude is tryin to holla
Like "Yo Light Bright!" like it's my name (and I'm suppose to know)
And upon gettin no response "Stuck up light skin Bitch" is what he mutters
Only to approach my opposite minutes later
He's more like "What's good my Beautiful Ebony Dream"
I see her respond with a smile that says her panties are bout to melt like butter
I'm standing there thinking what's wrong with this scene?
Guess cuz I'm light skin that disqualifies me from being a Black queen
Spoken or not this light skin bright skin almost white skin
This "damn girl you glow in the dark" skin is suppose to be my shame
So I refuse to answer to Light Bright as if it's my name
Okay wait, hold up I take that back
I'll respond to Light Bright if they'll answer to Darkie
Or better yet how bout Spook?
I mean no need to be offended
I'm just sayin what was said in reverse
Nothing more, Nothing much worse
July 24, 2009
July 17, 2009
Back in the Day...
Back to when he first showed me that my toes could actually curl
Back to when he was sick and I was making chicken soup... from scratch.
Let me take you on a trip back to before we hit that soul shattering life altering rough patch
It was instant attraction from an unlikely source
Tall dark and uniquely handsome, fashionably fitted
With fresh kicks of course
You see I was into the pretty niggas before him
And he well, his flyyness was of a different kin
Perhaps it was the poetic flow of his words
Or the flecks of amber in those damn hazel orbs
Then again, maybe Flyy just recognize Flyy
Point is I couldn't tell you what exactly caught my eye
Back to the days of his courtroom drama
Dying a lil to see him cuffed
Back to the Sundays spent at his mama's
Gettin our asses handed to us cuz neither could call her bluff
Back to 3am butt nekkid 100mph rides on the 60 just cuz it felt good
And then coming home and touching... and licking... mmmmm
That felt real good
Loving blindly and with absolute full force I stood by his side
Never questioning when he said "Flutterby time to ride"
Through the good and the great, the grit and grime
And small acts of (harmless yet necessary) crime
I was there, ready and beyond willing to bend over backward
Anything to continue to help move us forward
It was always "Better You, Better Me, Better WE"
I was under the impression we'd be together
That we'd be hangin in love like forever
Back to the days when I was foolish enough to believe I made him happy
Back to the day I was doing the wash and picked hair off his shirt
And thought "No way in hell is my hair this damn nappy"
Back to the day that I realized that unconditional love
Like a Major League player's record, Sometimes has an asterisk next to it
And there before me laid the problem:
He couldn't keep his junk in the trunk
And I didn't have the courage to put my junk in the trunk
You see I don't blame him completely for hurting my heart
Cuz like Ms Badu I Kept On & On
And I wasn't ready to give up and accept that he was changing
That I was changing, that the whole dynamic of US
Was fading to nothing more than dust
Back to our final day
Back to the day and moment when words "I Hate You" replaced "I Love You"
Back to the day the impossible became possible
When he venomously ripped the clothes off my back
And at the same time taking my dignity and any small amount of self worth I had tried to hold onto
Killing that rose colored view of Him, Me and We
Back to the day all I could feel was anger
Hating that this happen, thinking this was all a mistake
How did I end up here? How did we get here?
I'm rubbin my eyes hopin that maybe I just wasn't awake
Watching him leave and slam the door
Knowing that this time it was all over for sure
Killed me more than a little inside,
And hurt so much that I felt the need to express it on the outside
One... Two... Three... Four...
Counting as the blood drops on the sink, counter and floor...
Back to the day I remembered who the fuck I am and pulled it together
To that day that my mama's words "Fine before Him, Fine after Him" finally had real meaning
Back to the day that I was ready to get back like Stella
You see He was the only one that I loved and the only one I cared about
Today I realize, that THAT was the real problem
I Forgot to Love and Care bout Me the way I did He
But no excuses, or passing blame or any of the above
Shit what can I say?
Back in the day I was in love
Back to when he was sick and I was making chicken soup... from scratch.
Let me take you on a trip back to before we hit that soul shattering life altering rough patch
It was instant attraction from an unlikely source
Tall dark and uniquely handsome, fashionably fitted
With fresh kicks of course
You see I was into the pretty niggas before him
And he well, his flyyness was of a different kin
Perhaps it was the poetic flow of his words
Or the flecks of amber in those damn hazel orbs
Then again, maybe Flyy just recognize Flyy
Point is I couldn't tell you what exactly caught my eye
Back to the days of his courtroom drama
Dying a lil to see him cuffed
Back to the Sundays spent at his mama's
Gettin our asses handed to us cuz neither could call her bluff
Back to 3am butt nekkid 100mph rides on the 60 just cuz it felt good
And then coming home and touching... and licking... mmmmm
That felt real good
Loving blindly and with absolute full force I stood by his side
Never questioning when he said "Flutterby time to ride"
Through the good and the great, the grit and grime
And small acts of (harmless yet necessary) crime
I was there, ready and beyond willing to bend over backward
Anything to continue to help move us forward
It was always "Better You, Better Me, Better WE"
I was under the impression we'd be together
That we'd be hangin in love like forever
Back to the days when I was foolish enough to believe I made him happy
Back to the day I was doing the wash and picked hair off his shirt
And thought "No way in hell is my hair this damn nappy"
Back to the day that I realized that unconditional love
Like a Major League player's record, Sometimes has an asterisk next to it
And there before me laid the problem:
He couldn't keep his junk in the trunk
And I didn't have the courage to put my junk in the trunk
You see I don't blame him completely for hurting my heart
Cuz like Ms Badu I Kept On & On
And I wasn't ready to give up and accept that he was changing
That I was changing, that the whole dynamic of US
Was fading to nothing more than dust
Back to our final day
Back to the day and moment when words "I Hate You" replaced "I Love You"
Back to the day the impossible became possible
When he venomously ripped the clothes off my back
And at the same time taking my dignity and any small amount of self worth I had tried to hold onto
Killing that rose colored view of Him, Me and We
Back to the day all I could feel was anger
Hating that this happen, thinking this was all a mistake
How did I end up here? How did we get here?
I'm rubbin my eyes hopin that maybe I just wasn't awake
Watching him leave and slam the door
Knowing that this time it was all over for sure
Killed me more than a little inside,
And hurt so much that I felt the need to express it on the outside
One... Two... Three... Four...
Counting as the blood drops on the sink, counter and floor...
Back to the day I remembered who the fuck I am and pulled it together
To that day that my mama's words "Fine before Him, Fine after Him" finally had real meaning
Back to the day that I was ready to get back like Stella
You see He was the only one that I loved and the only one I cared about
Today I realize, that THAT was the real problem
I Forgot to Love and Care bout Me the way I did He
But no excuses, or passing blame or any of the above
Shit what can I say?
Back in the day I was in love
July 3, 2009
Cali... we gotta talk Love...
Dear Cali,
Let me start off by saying I love you. I really really do. I love everything about you, even the stuff that irritates me on a daily basis. You raised me. I learned to walk, run, skip on your block and skate, ride a bike and drive on your streets. I soaked up the sun laying on your beaches, trying to darken my skin, so I'd have that "Cali girl" look. I might've lost my virginity to Him but we both know that YOU are the one who REALLY broke me in. I was educated both in your schools and in your streets.You saw me when I was doin dirt, and shit I'm not entirely proud of and you saw me when I was doing right, or at least trying to. Even on those cold rainy winter days, when you'd bamboozle me with sun and warmth in the morning giving me false hope that the cold was gone for good, only to drop the clouds back in and I'd end up soaking wet and sneezing by the time I got home, I still love you. I mean really how could I stay mad at you? You're both my place of business and where home is... you're my hideaway and my avenue into the spotlight... where I grind and where I griiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiind haha...
Spring, Summer and late Autumn days ridin to Nowherenparticular with the sunroof open and the windows down, blowin Zig Zag wrapped trees and groovin to music that could've only come from you. And you know I mean shit like LeMarvin, Goapele, J. Myers and Ledisi... okay and maybe a lil Too Short, Snoop and E-40 too... feeling the sun shine down on my curls and shoulders, just taking all of you in, those are the days I love most with you. Quite honestly, everything I know is mostly in part because I learned it from you. So really from the bottom of my heart, thank you for helping me become who I am now.
But unfortunately, I think the time may be coming soon and I may have to say goodbye. For now at least. You see I don't WANT to leave you but I fear it's a must. And well... you know me better than almost anyone else so you probably know what I'm thinkin. Please don't take this the wrong way and please Love don't be offended. Don't feel like I'm abandoning you. I'm just taking one of the many lessons you taught me, you know the one about doing for self... oh yuh and that other one bout not waiting until the last minute to do things and planning ahead. Well it seems as if the time is approaching for me to go before it all comes crashing down and then I'm really fucked. Let's face it, we both know what happened last time I waited too long to get out. No Bueno.
I wanna stay and try to protect you, but it'd be like telling Hurricane Katrina "go away". I'd probably end up getting swallowed up and lost in the chaos. Neither one of us wants that, right? So my Love, I think I must be on my way. Stay as strong as you can, and don't let them take anymore from you than they already have. [[In Riley's voice]] "Make them pay what they owe!!"
I know you'll bounce back, you always do. Can't lie though, I'm gonna miss those sun shiney rides to Nowherenparticular with you. And you DEFINITELY know I'm gonna miss your greenery, cuz let's face it Love you've got a green thumb like no other. It really does hurt my heart to know there isn't much I can do to help you. I'm sorry. But I promise I'll be back, visits and whatnot... And hopefully if we both get our shit together we'll be back together again one day soon. So until then take care of yourself.
Faithfully Yours Always and Forever,
Lea
Let me start off by saying I love you. I really really do. I love everything about you, even the stuff that irritates me on a daily basis. You raised me. I learned to walk, run, skip on your block and skate, ride a bike and drive on your streets. I soaked up the sun laying on your beaches, trying to darken my skin, so I'd have that "Cali girl" look. I might've lost my virginity to Him but we both know that YOU are the one who REALLY broke me in. I was educated both in your schools and in your streets.You saw me when I was doin dirt, and shit I'm not entirely proud of and you saw me when I was doing right, or at least trying to. Even on those cold rainy winter days, when you'd bamboozle me with sun and warmth in the morning giving me false hope that the cold was gone for good, only to drop the clouds back in and I'd end up soaking wet and sneezing by the time I got home, I still love you. I mean really how could I stay mad at you? You're both my place of business and where home is... you're my hideaway and my avenue into the spotlight... where I grind and where I griiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiind haha...
Spring, Summer and late Autumn days ridin to Nowherenparticular with the sunroof open and the windows down, blowin Zig Zag wrapped trees and groovin to music that could've only come from you. And you know I mean shit like LeMarvin, Goapele, J. Myers and Ledisi... okay and maybe a lil Too Short, Snoop and E-40 too... feeling the sun shine down on my curls and shoulders, just taking all of you in, those are the days I love most with you. Quite honestly, everything I know is mostly in part because I learned it from you. So really from the bottom of my heart, thank you for helping me become who I am now.
But unfortunately, I think the time may be coming soon and I may have to say goodbye. For now at least. You see I don't WANT to leave you but I fear it's a must. And well... you know me better than almost anyone else so you probably know what I'm thinkin. Please don't take this the wrong way and please Love don't be offended. Don't feel like I'm abandoning you. I'm just taking one of the many lessons you taught me, you know the one about doing for self... oh yuh and that other one bout not waiting until the last minute to do things and planning ahead. Well it seems as if the time is approaching for me to go before it all comes crashing down and then I'm really fucked. Let's face it, we both know what happened last time I waited too long to get out. No Bueno.
I wanna stay and try to protect you, but it'd be like telling Hurricane Katrina "go away". I'd probably end up getting swallowed up and lost in the chaos. Neither one of us wants that, right? So my Love, I think I must be on my way. Stay as strong as you can, and don't let them take anymore from you than they already have. [[In Riley's voice]] "Make them pay what they owe!!"
I know you'll bounce back, you always do. Can't lie though, I'm gonna miss those sun shiney rides to Nowherenparticular with you. And you DEFINITELY know I'm gonna miss your greenery, cuz let's face it Love you've got a green thumb like no other. It really does hurt my heart to know there isn't much I can do to help you. I'm sorry. But I promise I'll be back, visits and whatnot... And hopefully if we both get our shit together we'll be back together again one day soon. So until then take care of yourself.
Faithfully Yours Always and Forever,
Lea
July 2, 2009
Playing catch up... MJ and the New Sibling
Just like I said it would take me a sec to get back into the flow of writing. I wasn't lying. I need to start carrying a notebook at all times again cuz believe you me I've been blogging in my head (although is that really "blogging" that'd just be regular thinking huh? oh well whatever you get what I'm sayin) and have had a WHOLE lot to write about in the last few days. So I'm gonna start at the beginning...
Michael Jackson passed a week ago today. I get an ill feeling just writing that. I honestly still can't believe it. Like MJ? Naaaah not MJ. He's invincible. He's my first crush... I broke 2 Moonwalker VHS tapes cuz I'd sit and watch him over and over for hours. Captain EO was my favorite ride at Disneyland. I mean NO Mike ISN'T dead. I couldn't handle it. I cried for 3 days. I was driving when I heard my mama was in the passenger seat and she was just as speechless but trying to console me. Unstoppable tears rolling down my cheeks from under my sunglasses. Everything at that moment just changed. It hurt. Like I knew him personally. Well hell I did. Or at least I feel like I did. I grew up on Mike. I LOVED him. I don't remember an age when I wasn't listenin to him. Every album he put out from when he was still part of Jackson 5 and on has at least 4 songs that I'd put on the soundtrack for my life, if I were to make one (which I may very well do one of these days). My point is at that moment I felt like Music died and a part of me did too. There will NEVER be another Michael. How could there be? He did and introduced the WORLD [the WORLD Craig!] to so much I don't even know where to start. Who else you know who had commercials to advertise, stopped regular primetime TV, the news on channel 7, and debut a music video?! No one. And I still don't know of anyone who made flooded ass pantlegs and glitter socks look fashionable. Despite what you may think of him you CANNOT [reasonably] deny his greatness. So RIP to the best man the music world had the privilege of knowing.
P.S. I'm going to the viewing at Neverland.
On another note... I met my little sister for the first time EVER. She's 17. Pretty lil girl who REEKS of an island upbringing. Pops brought her back from Haiti while he and his chica and my youngest brother were on vacation. I can't say that I was excited to see her initially. I first heard about her when I was 12 and up until a few days ago she was like a unicorn to me. I saw a pic of her once after going through my dad's shit, she was like 5 or 6 in the pic and in my 13 year old mind she didn't look a damn thing like me or my brother. And I'm not gonna lie some of that came from having to consider the fact that her existence took away from my shine as being the only girl. But over the years and with me and pops taking a 7 year break from each other, she went back to being a unicorn. Well I guess aside from stick his pinga in every moving thing he decided he should bring his kid to the States. And with us "working" on our relationship and me moving back closer to him, he decided to share with me that he was doing so. He told me back in February that she'd be here but you know how you hear something so many times that you just kinda put it outta your mind? Well yuh that's what I did. So you can imagine my surprise when last Friday as I was packing to leave for the weekend I get a call from him saying "Oh yuh, J is here too". Needless to say on the inside I didn't feel a whole lot. And I'm sure the response ("oh really? How nice for you") I gave reflected that. Anywaays... I went over to his house and met her. This is how it went down:
My youngest brother (7) opens the door and proceeds to climb all over me and covers my face in kisses [which as a big sis is hands down the best feeling in the world], after which I literally have to pry him offa me. I hug dad's chica and then go hug and kiss dad. Then I wait. I sat at the counter, and my "sister" is laying on the couch bout 15 ft away from me.
[[Sidenote: Maybe it's the way I was raised, but I'm the type of person who won't sit down at someone I'm not familiar with house, if I'm not invited to take a seat. I will stand till it's verbally spoken. I'm not socially retarded or anything but if there's people I don't know, I'll wait for a bit before I take the initiative to introduce myself cuz I expect the host should do it. I think it's slightly rude if they don't and this is why when I have company over I offer them a seat and introduce them immediately. I'm weird. I know]]
So finally after bout 10 minutes when he realizes I haven't gone to say nothing my dad calls her over and introduces us. She waves and I wave back. That's it.
The Next day... I get a call from my pops and get an earful bout not being more receptive and how "she's been looking forward to meeting you" and "I've told her so much about you". All to which I say "Well damn you should've talked bout her a lil more then maybe I'd be excited. But for now she's a stranger and I don't know her so get the fuck off my back." He hung up. Mind you I DID [[well do]] want to get to know her but I can't just rush into that.
[[yes I cuss at my dad. I also cuss him out every one in awhile. I believe in repsecting elders who deserve it. He don't... I'll blog on this later]]
SO I went back over there another day and after bout 30 minutes of pondering, I grab her hand pull her toward the laptop, sit her down... and I hop on my FaceBook and start showing her pics of family and we just clicked. She showed me her friends back in Haiti and DR. She even poked my boobs and laid on me while we watch Taken. OH yeah! Did I mention she doesn't speak English? We managed though. Hand gestures, the English she knows, my broken ass understanding of Kreyol, we made it work. And I feel now like it's my job to watch out for her. Like to protect her from everything I wasnt. I'm happy I have a lil sister, it's going to be fun. Stay tuned for more on this budding new sisterhood.
It's been a very eventful 7 days. I've got more but it'll have to wait for now. I shall return.
Peace.
Michael Jackson passed a week ago today. I get an ill feeling just writing that. I honestly still can't believe it. Like MJ? Naaaah not MJ. He's invincible. He's my first crush... I broke 2 Moonwalker VHS tapes cuz I'd sit and watch him over and over for hours. Captain EO was my favorite ride at Disneyland. I mean NO Mike ISN'T dead. I couldn't handle it. I cried for 3 days. I was driving when I heard my mama was in the passenger seat and she was just as speechless but trying to console me. Unstoppable tears rolling down my cheeks from under my sunglasses. Everything at that moment just changed. It hurt. Like I knew him personally. Well hell I did. Or at least I feel like I did. I grew up on Mike. I LOVED him. I don't remember an age when I wasn't listenin to him. Every album he put out from when he was still part of Jackson 5 and on has at least 4 songs that I'd put on the soundtrack for my life, if I were to make one (which I may very well do one of these days). My point is at that moment I felt like Music died and a part of me did too. There will NEVER be another Michael. How could there be? He did and introduced the WORLD [the WORLD Craig!] to so much I don't even know where to start. Who else you know who had commercials to advertise, stopped regular primetime TV, the news on channel 7, and debut a music video?! No one. And I still don't know of anyone who made flooded ass pantlegs and glitter socks look fashionable. Despite what you may think of him you CANNOT [reasonably] deny his greatness. So RIP to the best man the music world had the privilege of knowing.
P.S. I'm going to the viewing at Neverland.
On another note... I met my little sister for the first time EVER. She's 17. Pretty lil girl who REEKS of an island upbringing. Pops brought her back from Haiti while he and his chica and my youngest brother were on vacation. I can't say that I was excited to see her initially. I first heard about her when I was 12 and up until a few days ago she was like a unicorn to me. I saw a pic of her once after going through my dad's shit, she was like 5 or 6 in the pic and in my 13 year old mind she didn't look a damn thing like me or my brother. And I'm not gonna lie some of that came from having to consider the fact that her existence took away from my shine as being the only girl. But over the years and with me and pops taking a 7 year break from each other, she went back to being a unicorn. Well I guess aside from stick his pinga in every moving thing he decided he should bring his kid to the States. And with us "working" on our relationship and me moving back closer to him, he decided to share with me that he was doing so. He told me back in February that she'd be here but you know how you hear something so many times that you just kinda put it outta your mind? Well yuh that's what I did. So you can imagine my surprise when last Friday as I was packing to leave for the weekend I get a call from him saying "Oh yuh, J is here too". Needless to say on the inside I didn't feel a whole lot. And I'm sure the response ("oh really? How nice for you") I gave reflected that. Anywaays... I went over to his house and met her. This is how it went down:
My youngest brother (7) opens the door and proceeds to climb all over me and covers my face in kisses [which as a big sis is hands down the best feeling in the world], after which I literally have to pry him offa me. I hug dad's chica and then go hug and kiss dad. Then I wait. I sat at the counter, and my "sister" is laying on the couch bout 15 ft away from me.
[[Sidenote: Maybe it's the way I was raised, but I'm the type of person who won't sit down at someone I'm not familiar with house, if I'm not invited to take a seat. I will stand till it's verbally spoken. I'm not socially retarded or anything but if there's people I don't know, I'll wait for a bit before I take the initiative to introduce myself cuz I expect the host should do it. I think it's slightly rude if they don't and this is why when I have company over I offer them a seat and introduce them immediately. I'm weird. I know]]
So finally after bout 10 minutes when he realizes I haven't gone to say nothing my dad calls her over and introduces us. She waves and I wave back. That's it.
The Next day... I get a call from my pops and get an earful bout not being more receptive and how "she's been looking forward to meeting you" and "I've told her so much about you". All to which I say "Well damn you should've talked bout her a lil more then maybe I'd be excited. But for now she's a stranger and I don't know her so get the fuck off my back." He hung up. Mind you I DID [[well do]] want to get to know her but I can't just rush into that.
[[yes I cuss at my dad. I also cuss him out every one in awhile. I believe in repsecting elders who deserve it. He don't... I'll blog on this later]]
SO I went back over there another day and after bout 30 minutes of pondering, I grab her hand pull her toward the laptop, sit her down... and I hop on my FaceBook and start showing her pics of family and we just clicked. She showed me her friends back in Haiti and DR. She even poked my boobs and laid on me while we watch Taken. OH yeah! Did I mention she doesn't speak English? We managed though. Hand gestures, the English she knows, my broken ass understanding of Kreyol, we made it work. And I feel now like it's my job to watch out for her. Like to protect her from everything I wasnt. I'm happy I have a lil sister, it's going to be fun. Stay tuned for more on this budding new sisterhood.
It's been a very eventful 7 days. I've got more but it'll have to wait for now. I shall return.
Peace.
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